Icebox
Karissa

I could not feel more lost even if I tried
What once was here has now fallen off and died
My place out there will never be the same
I'm left to feel the guilt beneath the blame

This Earth
It keeps turning
This hurt
It keeps burning
This light
Will soon fade away
In broken pieces I shall stay

I’ve learned to live attached to all this trash
And then accept forever it will last
Giving up has never been this fun
Aimed to please just like a loaded gun

This Earth
It keeps turning
This hurt
It keeps burning
This light
Will soon fade away
In broken pieces I shall stay

In broken pieces
I feel okay
In broken pieces
Night turns to day
In broken pieces
I want to play
In broken pieces
I melt away...

Just a little thing I wrote. I'm not sure why, really. It just came out. Lemme know what you think...


She thinks all day. Everyday. It never fades. It never goes away. Sometimes it hurts too much to explain. Sometimes it just isn’t enough. There is always something there. Something hiding. Something deep underneath that’s just too far to reach. Just too far to let explode. It sucks me dry. It pushes me to explore the depths that frighten most away. I cry. I cry alone in my room on the floor late at night. I enjoy the release, yet despise what I find. If only I could clear my mind then maybe things would be alright. Maybe life wouldn’t be so hard. Maybe I could live. The shadows that I hide in will only last so long. I must find a new path to travel on. One less rocky and curved. One that allows me to see what’s ahead and prepare. I must prepare. I have to be ready for the future. Ready for the hurt and abandonment. Ready for it all. I feel that I will never truly be prepared for anything that will come my way. I’m too trapped. Too locked inside my head. I like this, however it keeps me from reality. It keeps me isolated and the world does not understand this concept. I do not fit in. I hope the world and it’s people will soon realize why I am here and what my true purpose is. Maybe then they’ll bow down and worship what is supposed to be. Maybe I’m too hopeful. Maybe my imagination is running wild again. I’ll never learn. I’m out of control again. This always happens and I swear I’ll never learn. Here it comes. It’s back for another ride. I wish I could block it out. It tends to sneak past when I turn my back. Never turn your back. It likes when your guard is down and you think the day is well. Then it strikes. It grabs a hold and doesn’t let go until your blood and bones are in his possession. It’s a collector. It’s a bully. It’s a sharp blade that slices into your soul again and again and again. This is what happens when I think too much. I think all day. Everyday. It never fades. It never goes away…

I'm having a bad day today. It's not really the day that is bad, but just how I feel. I feel so emotional and sad today and everyone is annoying me. I'm not handling things well, I'm not sure why. The semester is ending and I totally slacked and am so disappointed in myself at the moment. I hate it. Tomorrow I have to move out and that's gonna suck. My mind is all fucked up. I keep having thoughts and feeling things that I didn't know where still there. It hurts. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep...

I have to pack and take my Psych exam tonight. I'll be glad to be done with that class.

Masking Ugly
Karissa

Everything around me falls apart
The last thing that I need is a broken heart
I walked around this place to see what I could find
And all that there was is what I left behind

I drove away any solid form of hope
I wish that I could find some way to cope
That doesn’t hurt the deepest part inside
That will not make me turn my back and hide

I’m not really what you want to be
I have let them in
And now they clearly see
I’m not really what you want to be
The surface seems so good
But there is still too much ugly

I listen to the words that haunt my ears
But I’m too scared to ever face my fears
I forced yourself to go and now I’ll play the game
I’ll fuck someone else, but it’s not the same

I’m not really what you want to be
I have let them in
And now they clearly see
I’m not really what you want to be
The surface seems so good
But there is still too much ugly

I cannot live with this right now
I will get rid of this somehow
Everything beautiful that you see
Is merely masking ugly

I cannot live like this right now
I will get away from this somehow
Letting you go will only prove that
I have been waiting…

Ugly
Karissa

I like it when I feel the pain
I like it when there’s nothing left
I smile as I feel the drain
Running from my inner depths
I like to know that there’s a hell
And heaven is but nothing more
I like it when I feel the pain
I like it the way it leaves me sore

I like you when you’re beautiful
But there are only certain times
I like you when you’re beautiful
But you’re getting ugly covered in lies

I like it when the blood runs free
I like it when the stomach turns
I like it when the mind can see
And I love it when the body yearns
My soul is only there to see
Inside your wicked head
I like it when I feel the pain
I like it when I’m in your bed

I like you when you’re beautiful
But there are only certain times
I like you when you’re beautiful
But you’re getting ugly covered in lies
I like you when you’re beautiful
But there are only certain times
I like you when you’re beautiful
But you’re getting ugly covered in lies

I like you when you’re beautiful
But there’s always a certain rhythm
I only wish that you could see
All the beauty you’ve been given
You swore you’d never tell a lie
You swore you’d never let it stain
If only you’d stay beautiful
And if only I could stand the pain

All Lost
Karissa

You try to be happy, but it is no use
And you don’t understand that you’re breaking the rules
It is all that you need
It’s all that you know
There is no place for a lost soul to go
When it doesn’t matter and you do not care
And you never know when you’re traveling there
It is all that you have
It’s all that you feel
Inside your head is a world that is real
And I wish I could see
I wish I could go
Finally then there’d be something to show, for it all
You’re lost in it all

You try to not worry, but it is no use
And you hold yourself back from the pain of the truth
It is always around
It’s always nearby
There is no place for a child to hide
When it doesn’t matter and you do not care
And you never see when you’re traveling there
It is all that’s around
It’s all that remains
Deep in your thoughts, in your blood, in your veins
And I wish I could see
I wish I could go
Finally then there’d be something to show, for it all
You’re lost in it all

You try to be normal, but it is no use
And the only thing there keeps on tightening the noose
It is never too far
It’s never not here
There is no place for you to disappear
When it doesn’t matter and you do not care
And you’re never aware when you’re traveling there
It is all that you give
It’s all that you speak
It pushes you down and it makes your soul weak
And I wish I could see
I wish I could go
Finally then there’d be something to show, for it all
You’re lost in it all

I’m lost in it all
We’re lost in it all

Well my second semester has started and I'm really liking it this far. I start out the week with a 12:30pm Math class right on campus which I feel is going to go much better than last sem. The class is bigger and most seem to be more on my level... which is low. Then 15 mins after in the same room (not planned) is my 2:00pm Intro to Lit class. I miss my last sems English professor. She really inspired me. This one is nice, but nothing more really. She's older and slower and we mostly read and then discuss, but the workload seems fine and I feel very comfortable chatting with her. Then at 3:15pm I'm done for the day and usually go to snack bar in Baily and get a hummus wrap bcuz I'm obsessed with those now. So good. Now, that's Mon/Wed/ On Tues/Thurs, I start out with an 11:45am Astronomy class in Portland which is packed with over 100 students. If there is any class to skip it's this one. No attendence and you can pass just by reading the book. Then 15 mins later againnn I have a 1:15pm Philosophy class which is bore city. I usually enjoy stuff like this, but this professor is so uninteresting. We all just sit there and let him go on and on and on, then leave. Fun. As for my last class, which is online, Psychology I've been slacking a bit on, but my grade is good. I've just been doing things last minute. I'm still trying to get into the swing of having an online class. The teacher is amazing and I almost wish I did have a normal class. His lectures are so enthusiastic and interesting, and he sounds just like Paul Giamatti. I swear. It's hilarious. So far I've done all of chap 1 and got a 9/10 on my very first quiz. I'm proud. I actually have to do my chap 2 quiz 2nite which is sude 2moro by 12pm. But obv I'm not waking up 2moro to do it.

Speaking of 2moro, I'm getting the highlights in my hair that I meant to get last time. For those of you that don't know, I got a new cut and color. It didnt come out exactly like I imagined, but I like it a lot and of course I look fabulous as always. I'll definitely be posting some pics of myself : P

xoxo

Wow. It's been a while since my last post. Mostly because I  haven't had much to write about. Chrismas was fun and then right after I caught a bad cold. Still trying to get over it. The new semester starts 2moro and I'm looking forward to it. I have some very interesting classes and it should all keep me busy. I'm also looking forward to being back in my dorm. Alone. I love it. I have Astromomy and Philosophy 2moro and then after I'm going to the mall to get a new bag and clothes. Yay me.

I really don't have much more to say, so I'll leave you with this. : )

xoxo

Well technically it's morning, but oh well. I wasn't planning on posting again so quickly, but stuff is going on and I need to vent.

I'm scared. I truly am. I love this person so much and I just don't know what is going to happen in the future. I wake up every morning wondering if she'll even be alive and that's not good. She has her good days and I'm always thankful for those, but then of course she has her bad days and they're always a lot to take. I handle them much better now than I used to, though. I feel more comfortable and confident with what I say. However, it's still scary. I just wish I could take some of my strength out and give it to her. I'd give anything to be able to do that. Anything. I'd just reach inside of myself and give part of me to her. If only...

Things must get better. She needs them to. I need them to. Soon.

xoxo

Hello everyone. Welcome to my new and improved LJ. Most of you know me as xseducedbyamx</lj> , but it has been a long ass time since I've written anything and I just felt like starting over. There is a lot that I need to catch you all up on, but I'm quite tired now and really don't feel like typing. : P

Anyhoo, it feels good to have another journal and I'll definitely be writing a whole lot in the next few days. Thanks for listening.

xoxo